“I don’t want to lose you.”, I said with tears in my eyes in December 2020, and thus started a journey of hard work, healing, connection and learning heaps about being in relationship.

You can’t help but learn heaps about yourself when in relationship, especially when you start new relationships whether poly, mono, open, etc.

We get comfortable in our existing relationships that have we’ve been in for a while, right? We get used to each other and accept things as they are. I know Scott and I certainly have in our 25 year relationship.

Recently getting into a triad and navigating poly dynamics, I’ve learned an huge amount about myself that I wanted to share that may be worth considering in your own situation.

I don’t think this is just limited to poly dynamics, but whenever someone starts a new relationship, I think you learn regardless of the context.

Vulnerability
Vulnerability is important in relationship on several levels and it can be really scary, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past and hold things close.

For example thinking, I can’t say something, I can’t open up because I might hurt the other person, repressing my feelings and thinking that I don’t matter, that my needs don’t matter – much of this was all about being afraid of being vulnerable.

By being vulnerable you not only show an aspect of who you are but you give others a chance to show who they are.

Do they want the same kind of relationship as you or generally on the same page? Are they supportive when you’re processing?  Do they listen?  Do they acknowledge and validate you, but also do they give insights that build you up?  Do you do the same for them?

Being open allows your partners to better understand you and to create a connection that may not normally be there – I have a much deeper connection with my partners and it also helped me to be better at ease with myself.

Even if it goes the other way, where others are not wanting what you want, you’re still one step closer to understanding what you and they want in relationship and finding those that will be more in sync.

Communication
I’ve had to be straight up with myself and with all of my partners. This meant having some really uncomfortable discussions, always with sensitivity or doing my best to be sensitive. It’s also meant that we’re on the same page. Everyone knows where they are at, and what kind of relationship we want to build, and bringing closure to situations or even relationships.

Calling out that you’re doing your best to communicate and that you may say something muddled, awkwardly, etc., does help and goes a long way. Scott and I have used this approach for years as I’m not always the most articulate when faced with needing to communicate something uncomfortable.

Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy will rear their ugly head. In my instance, a lot of this was and is related to societal programming, and triggers we have from past hurt and pain. Much of it was also around repressing my needs and wants, putting myself second and a long time issue around thinking I don’t matter; and then trying to dig out of that when I had needs and realized that I actually do matter.

It’s funny how, at least in the poly and open case, that societal programming almost suggests that we should feel jealousy and envy, also that fear of missing out which is complete bollocks.

We got through it by listening to each other, being gentle with each other, showing each other that the opposite of what our brains is telling us is what we want; being open to hearing the other out, and not being defensive, but considering how we may have been, our interpretations and perceptions. That space was created to just be with our emotions.

People often say they hate the concept of perception, but it’s clear that one person’s reality shaped by our experiences, is not going to be someone else’s experience shaped by their own reality, hence perception. You can’t ignore this fact.

Compersion, the opposite of jealousy is such a neat feeling. That feeling of genuine joy when partners get to experience something together and you’re not with them. We all feeling considerably closer as a result.

Triggers
I used to think that triggers were about repressing myself, i.e. I triggered someone else and as result I had to curtail something about myself rather than the other party learning something about themselves. I’ve dealt with this for a good portion of my life and after 47 years, I got to the point where something had to change because not everything is my fault and I’m not the one that always has to change, watch myself, etc – feelings I carried with me for a long time.

After being triggered myself and triggering one of my partners, we had a really good talk about this and realized that it’s often more about the triggered person having to work through something. This was a huge lesson for me.

They also didn’t mean to trigger me and with the things they came to me with, it wasn’t something that they would have known was a trigger, but it did. It’s not their fault.

While, yes, I triggered one of my partners, I didn’t do so intentionally and I didn’t even known that trigger existed in them. It opened up an opportunity to learn from each other, and an opportunity for my partner to heal as we create a space for that out of our commitments. As a result we’re a lot closer and understand each other much better.

Triggers can sometimes compound – One of my partners inadvertently hit on a bunch of my triggers spiking my anxiety in the midsts of “New Relationship Energy”; and it was difficult to dig out from all of them, but we were able to together with respect, compassion, and love.

Again, being vulnerable, opening up and having partners I could trust to be sensitive and supportive went a long way. Having someone to help provide a space and reassurance to get through a trigger is always welcome. It speaks volumes about their desire to be connected to you in the way they support you.

Also important is the desire to get to the bottom of behaviours and that commitment to work on the issues. I was ready to sort things out as was my partner.

Anxiety
I’ve learned about how anxiety has presented itself in my life. Much because of being on the receiving end of jealousy, envy and triggers for a considerably long time. I repressed myself and my needs so much that, for example, when I went to play with my boy, I couldn’t. I was frozen and totally in my head.

My anxiety would spike considerably and very much hit a head last year and it’s something I had dealt with for years, presenting itself as relationship anxiety and performance anxiety. I questioned myself – a lot of what ifs, what’s wrong with me, am I broken; and statements like I must be broken, I must be the one to blame, it’s all my fault.

For me, anxiety was a symptom of things I needed to learn and did learn from the above points.

As time has gone on and I’ve healed, I am a lot more at ease with myself. I can recognize patterns, my performance anxiety is subsiding and I am a lot more connected.

The result of the work I’ve done on myself and that partners of mine have done on themselves has set the stage for making all of my relationships considerably stronger than they ever were.

From April 2021, originally published on FetLife

A few months ago, Scott and I bought a house. It was mainly due to needing more space, but there was definitely an element of COVID safety in our decision as well – having lived in a condo building where people won’t wear their masks properly.

My boy moved into our house, into the basement. It’s fully his space, save for my “Synth Cave” which is my office, studio and maker space all in one.

It’s been an interesting ride since November when we all moved in, lots of change, learning more about each other, some ups and downs. It’s been good for all of us for personal growth, deeper dominance and submission.

I was recently asked by my boy, of four years, for a more permanent collar. I never thought I would ever hear this request from anyone, ever.

It was somewhat perfect timing because I’ve wanted to take things to the next level with him, and I had started taking things in that direction through our discussions, readings and such to see where we both wanted to go. If you’re wanting to give more control to me, then put your servitude where you mouth is.

I admit, I was surprised at the request. but it shows the level of commitment and devotion the boy has. As a dom, this is the most serious D/s relationship I’ve been in. That relationship that snuck up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I pick you, Pikachu”! Okay, maybe not the right analogy.

The past two years since 2019 has been a journey in finding myself on the dominant side of things, slowly taking my relationship with my boy to the next level, taking on a pup long distance, becoming more at ease with Fetish and my interests.

I wrote some notes when I asked the boy, “What does this collar mean to you?”, and I thought I should do the same thing.

A collar on a sub can represent many things from family connection, to connection (such as Master Chuck’s collar I wear that states “under the guidance of”), to ownership (as I once was to Master Chuck as slave – his property).

A collar signifies commitment on many levels, on both sides – the boy showing his commitment to his Sir to learn and grow in his sub space; Sir to boy that he will not intentionally harm the boy, lead him to grow, but also to learn and grow in dom space.

A permanent collar is not unlike a wedding ring – I admit, I’m using Master Chuck’s words here, but it’s true in this case. It does signify a deeper connection and willingness to defer to Sir. You’ve attained such connection and importance in Sir’s life.

We have gotten to a point where there is good communication (even when it’s challenging), we have made commitments to each other, and even when there is a failure, we both look at it as a growth opportunity.

While the Dom may be in control, ultimately the sub lets the Dom work their magic through the sub’s surrender. his willingness to surrender to my will, his willingness to trust me, his willingness to give control to me aspects of his life that we agree to. The yin and yang that through that “imbalance” creates balance.

he completes a part of me just as my partner, my pup, and Sir do; just as his partner, his boy, his Dad and I do.

As we’ve talked and negotiated the collar, there’s been a distinct shift from how we used to interact to how we now interact.

To use the boy’s own works, “Makes it feel more permanent instead of part time”, and “Will bring more structure” – Which is something my boy craves and needs.

Continuing on my series I committed to promoting kink and spurring discussion, this one is on rubber.  

This weekend was going to be my first ever big rubber weekend in Manchester; alas here we are.  So I’m making my own rubber weekend.

I got into rubber courtesy of seeing a rather hot Bear, Phil (RIP), serving drinks at The Toolbox, in Toronto for a Southern Ontario Bears night in May 1997 – my first time there.  I was hooked, seeing the smooth roundness of a Bear belly, fur poking out… Oh yeah.  I would often wear singlets (tank tops/vests) and shorts but more recently finally picked up trousers, polo shirts and a full cat suit.

Bears were made for rubber.  I can point out a number of hot Bears I know who are into rubber of all shapes and sizes.  I also enjoy getting guys dressed up in rubber seeing the lightbulb go – so much fun!  Of course you can!

So beyond hot Bears in rubber, what is it about rubber that I like?  

• There’s a scent aspect which comes into play and I do have scent triggers in a very good way when it comes to play.  Some friends of mine say I smell like a balloon after. LOL
• For someone who lives with body dysmorphia, and I’ve had a tough few weeks with it, you would think that tight clothing that hugs you would trigger that deeper, but for me it does quite the opposite.  It feels really good.  I’ve been thinking that I need to give permission to my boy and pup that so they can freely tell me to put on rubber when I’m having a bit of a down day about my body image.
• There’s something freeing about wearing something so thin, and feeling the temperature changes as you walk.
• The sweat layer that builds is kind of awesome, especially if you’re into sweat while playing
• You can get downright wet and nasty in it, and it cleans up nicely.  

The one misconception about rubber is that it pulls fur.  Well yes, it can pull fur but that’s why you use lube or powder to put your rubber on!  You’d be surprised that it doesn’t hurt to put on or take off!

Rubber is not as easily accessible here in Canada as it is in Europe, though there are companies who do make rubber clothing and play equipment – Polymorphe (Montreal) and Kink Engineering (Toronto) come to mind, Northbound Leather resells Polymorphe but it’s not always cared for and their selection is very limited, so YMMV.  It can be expensive over here.

My trips to Europe in 2017 and the past year had me checking out  Black Body (NL), Regulation (UK), Invincible Rubber (UK), Rubber Pigs (UK), and Fetishak (CZ).  I’m always a kid in a candy store in rubber shops.  Visiting Black Body in 2017 for the first time lead to me jumping and squeeing.

For me, playing in rubber has a fair bit to do with sensation and in many respects sensuality – try taking some ice and trace it around, or feel the warmth of being pissed on.  There’s definitely a look aspect – whether dressed in a singlet/vest, shorts, adding gloves, wearing a full catsuit or head to toe, waders, wells, or lace up rubber boots; add in a gas mask and there’s a whole new level of fun added between smoke play, feeding someone poppers or breath play; with zips in the right places for those who like fucking or eating musky sweaty ass; or put someone in a rubber vac bed binding them down; and if you’re into more hard core action find a rubber gimp to use… you get the idea.  Rubber is pretty versatile.

Some people can be allergic to rubber, such as one of my husband’s former pups so be sure to ask if you’re about to do a scene or if you’re new, you might want to test rubber on your skin,

Rubber is more resilient than you may think, but at the same time you have to take care of it.  I was mortified to see I had ripped my catsuit from Invincible  after one wearing – my own fault on that one; and I’ve had vests split on a glue seam.  

Be careful with wearing rubber and playing with lubes such as J-Lube and Crisco while, say, in a fisting scene.  There are alternatives lubes you can use such as X-Lube.  

What about dehydration due to sweat?  It is a factor for sure, and I’m guilty about not drinking water after playing in rubber.  Taking off my skins rubber trousers was an eye opener in Berlin at Folsom Europe, with the amount of sweat that poured out!  Definitely make sure you’re hydrating yourself!  Lesson learned!

Store it away from being in direct sunlight, wash it after wearing – you can use a mild dish detergent, put talc on your rubber, fold and store it in a ziplock bag.  Be sure to wash it thoroughly of talc when ready to wear your rubber.  If you want to shine your rubber you can with Vivishine, however if you’re expecting a sub to lick your rubber in a scene (hot and sensual!!) they may not want the taste of silicone in their mouth.  

So, am I a Rubberman or a Leatherman?  I am both. Leather very much taught me how to hold myself as a man and also the heavier aspects of how I play – that’s just the context I have for Leather and your’s may be very different.  Rubber adds to that in a playful way for me.  There are things I can do in rubber that I just can’t or won’t do in my Leathers and I’ve had a lot of fun exploring play in rubber.

When faced with a decision between putting on leather or rubber – I would probably gravitate more to my rubbers.  Although, combining rubber and leather can be fun, as I have always done.

I definitely recommend, if you’ve wanted to explore wearing rubber, do!  If any of you have pictures of yourselves in rubber, post them below!

“Now I’m hard thinking about brown construction boots and thick industrial rubber gloves that make me cum hard and quick.  Time to find my tit clamps… *GRIN*” – Your’s truly – October 28, 2012

I recently joined a Kinky Bears group on Facebook. As Bears, I think those of us into rubber and leather need to build a much closer knit community. I don’t know about your community, but I know here in Toronto the kinky Bears are far and few between, or keep to themselves. It’s really fucking hard to draw them out to events. Then again, in the days of COVID-19, there are no events.

So I have decided to contribute articles each week to the group.

Upon joining I used an old picture of me holding a piece of (bunny) rabbit fur which I have been known to use in scene and is one of the things that Sir did to me. Here’s the article I wrote about why I choose that picture:

I’m considering writing up something once or twice a week to spur kinky ideas in all of us.  *GRIN*

So why rabbit fur?  Well firstly, it’s a pervertable and one of the first prevertables I was introduced to.  Anyone who knows my Sir knows that it’s a very Sir thing.

Not all BDSM and kink has to hurt right?  It can be about sensation and sensory play and that’s where rabbit fur comes into play.

Tie someone up, blindfold them and start doing sensory play on them can bring up some really nice reactions – something I love as a top/dom is pulling out reactions from the bottom/sub.

Believe me – some of the hottest scenes I’ve done have involved lighter touch rather than going in hard.  One is not necessarily better than the other, again, for me, it’s about seeing the reaction from the bottom.

Anyone that knows me knows my nuts are sensitive.  I often say that I used to come with a manual that said, “Don’t touch my nuts” but over time Sir helped to desensitise them enough so that he could do CBT on them.

Now I’m going to use a word that most Bearish guys fear – shaving!  My Sir has me regularly shave my nuts.  Now the interesting thing is, that in and of itself gives a really neat sensation.  With fur and without is quite different.

Shave you nuts, get tied down, and rub rabbit fur, or any fur, on them and for someone like me, it can be quite something.

What can I say about MAL2020? It was a blast? It was amazing? That and more.

I reconnected with the North American Leather and Fetish communities after some time away, in a big way and in a way I had not been able to before. I was ready to jump back in.

A bit of background – I stepped away from the community due to the stupidity of politics that was, essentially, making me sick. I was seeing my own community implode and I really wanted nothing to do with the implosion, and I was exhausted. I will say this: It’s okay to take a break.

Scott and I jumped on a flight from Toronto Pearson to Washington National, got whisked away in a taxi to our hotel and chilled for the night.

The next morning we headed over to the Hyatt for our first day. Scott was dressed in his JediBear shirt and myself in latex and rubber flagging the things I’m into.

Arriving at the hotel there was an unmistakable energy to the place when it comes to such a celebration of fetish, kink and sex. It felt pretty amazing and I had a grin. I admit that prior to arriving at MAL, I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was blown away.

• 

• 

• 

First stop – the vendor fair to see a pup I’ve been handling in the UK, his Sir to whom he is collared and his Daddy – Congrats to Moodybear for their first time vending at MAL! Having observed what it takes for a vendor to get prepared for such an event, please do support your favourite independent businesses – and the kink community is full of them! It was also very good to briefly connect with Kelvin and Mikey, despite how busy the weekend was.

The vendor fair – holy crap! This was the Fetish Mall of America where you could find ANYTHING, or so it felt! Where else would I find the finger portion to a finger flogger I bought that was missing that part? A gas mask with rebreather bag? Gear, equipment, leather, rubber, neoprene, pup hoods, estim kits, canes, and the list could go on.

Needless to say, we stocked up on things we had always dreamed about getting. For example, a Porta Plow from Fort Troff for both at home and on the road; and I picked up two lighter floggers for practicing two-handed/Florentine flogging.

With the space that Scott and I have at home, I’ve long struggled with how do we create a kinky space when we want it, and a calm regenerative home space. MAL helped make it happen for us and I think it will help in the future. I definitely want to go back! Now how do I collapse a rim chair down to bring back to Canada and the United Kingdom?

We even found Scott gloves and boots which had me extremely chuffed as it is very difficult to find someone with his size of hands, feet and calves gear off the rack!

I was dressed in rubber for Rubber Cocktails which I had seen Seth, dressed in casual leathers, and I suggested he join me. Prior to that I had my boots shined by boy john who was part of the same ECLSb title class as me and Sir. We’ve had a long connection. If he’s around and available to black, I’ll make my boots available to him.

For an event like MAL, the hotel lobby is a key place to cruise and hang out. I never thought that I’d feel comfortable in such a space, but surprisingly it felt right. It was great reconnecting with Ed, Steve, Ron and his boy, and making new connections with people we met.

I went to the DC Eagle that night, by myself to smoke my pipe and check it out. A great large space!

The next day I decided to put on my Chicago K-9 Unit gear with Scott wearing his Dr Woof Weeping Angels shirt, kilt, red socks and new boots. Scott looked amazing.

We ended up meeting up with Daddy Gary, boy Jon, and BurrPup Ursus – again more reconnections and new connections. Scott remarked to me at the end of the weekend that between the pup and I, we have the fetish world completely connected.

If there is one thing I’ve learned recently is how deep the pup community has gotten. It feels much like the boy community building various clubs a few years after I was collared to Master Chuck. As I explore handling, it has been an eye opener for a community that I’ve been arms-length from for possibly too long.

Play-wise I ended up getting into two scenes. One involved flogging, coffee piss and a good pounding; the other was a straight up flogging scene for a pup I met at Smokeout in 2019. Then again, there was also pounding some ass that was offered to me at Smokeout in 2019 as well, that I finally took advantage of. I’ve not played like I have at any other hotel-based run in North America. Refreshing!

That night was Leather Cocktails – I say that anyone has to do this at least once, and to actually see both the parade of colours and the dropping of the cock ring. it’s a great chance to see friends and make new friends in Leather.

That night I was invited out by a Sir and his boy to The Green Lantern to hang out and reconnect. A fitting last night to the weekend.

The next day it was back to the Hyatt for brunch, seeing Gunny and his pup sox, who did an amazing job of servicing my Wesco Big Bosses, one last run through for last minute items at the vendor fair, saying goodbyes and we were off home.

We’ll be back – thanks pup for putting it on our radar!

I’ve been an off and on again user of Twitter. I’ve had many a good Twitter discussion, especially around the 2010-2014 period before I decided to delete my account.

With the demise of Tumblr, I decided to head back to Twitter.

I have to hand it to one of my favourite porn stars and a Daddy I admire, Will Angel who has some important stuff to say in a two part video called, “So, what’s an Alpha anyway?” – Thanks for the title Daddy Will. 😈

Up there with switching, this year I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what it means to be Alpha, having an alpha personality and in many respects the responsibility that comes with that. As much as I struggled with being told I have quite an alpha personality, the more at ease I’ve become, the less of an ass I’ve become.

On the flip side, there’s the whole what is the persona of an Alpha that people create in their heads – always a top, always dominant and über all of that.

Heaven forbid if such an Alpha bottoms and shows something vulnerable, right?

Talking to my husband and one of his boys, the bottom shaming my husband gets when he’s straight up about also enjoying the bottom side of things. “But I want a total top”.. Seriously fuck off.

The boy who is pretty much all bottom gets fucking attitude and told, “I don’t want to throw my hotdog down a hallway” – Uhm, really? In my books that’s grounds for a blocking after a good bollocking. That boy could break you.

I digress.

If it weren’t for bottoms, those of us who are more top oriented; if it weren’t for those betas and omegas, those of us who are more alpha wouldn’t have people around to pleasure or serve us. If I didn’t spend the time in that beta space, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

To be clear I’m not limiting this discussion to just ass play which inspired Will’s context. It goes for any kind of play or service. If I had a sub top and I wanted a good CBT scene, a flogging or something else I’m not going to be afraid to bottom to them, and I certainly have done in my past – and enjoyed seeing their eyes light up.

Let’s get our heads out of our asses. Stop the fucking attitude and the bottom shaming.

Daddy Will – it’s fucking hot to see you get fucked because my boy side loves top service just as my dominant side loves to take ass.

For the next few blog entries, I’m going to talk a bit about how 2019 has been quite transformative for me, and it has.

Let’s talk about gear.

Prior to March 2019, my attitude was, yeah I liked gear but it’s such a pain to put it on just to take it off. I’d occasionally put it on but honestly, unless I was going up to Sudbury, or going out in Toronto, what’s the point?

There was a point where I used to go to work booted every day wearing my Wesco Boss boots that I picked up in May 2010. Even that started to go by the wayside.

First with experimenting with rubber, neoprene, going to events and having excuses every weekend to find something fetish related, it’s easily become an important and key part of my life on the weekend.

Fast forward to Christmas and spending two weeks with my mother-in-law. Unfortunately the turn around time meant I forgot some key things at home, such as my leather gloves that, since September, have been a key part of my daily gear – thanks pup for the inspiration there!

For two weeks I was missing my gear. The only gear I had with me was a Kooga rugby shirt and my leather jacket.

I seriously couldn’t wait to get home, and when I did, I got into my rubber and spent some much needed time with my boy.

Like I said, I could not have anticipated that back in January 2019. On this eve of heading to MAL, I am genuinely excited for a weekend in gear.

This past weekend I finally travelled up to Edinburgh and Glasgow, a trip that has been too long on the dream list.

Travel is good for the soul, meeting others and learning about their history, where they came from, etc. It’s been at the core of my life as a gay man. It used to be that, certainly within the Bear community you could connect with someone online and instantly have a circle of people to connect with, you could go out for dinner, get a city tour, and learn where all the gay haunts were. That seems to have gone by the wayside, though I’m finding aspects of the Leather community still operate this way – thankfully.

A few weeks prior to heading to Scotland, I learned that there was a Leathermens social taking place in Glasgow on Sunday AND it was Mardi Gla on the Saturday before. Well didn’t that just change my plans for spending time in Edinburgh.

All in all, I accomplished what I wanted to in Edinburgh, and some of what I hoped to do in Glasgow.  Most importantly, though, I’ve created some connections up here.  Some great connections.

On Saturday, I marched with the Glasgow Leathermen, local Rubbermen and a few BearScots that were out.  A great way to learn a bit about the city, or certainly one way to do so! It sounds like we may have also made a bit of history as that, we think, may have been the first time an actual organised group of Leathermen, Rubbermen and others of kinky persuasions marched. Congrats men!

The Glasgow Leathermen Social, held on a Sunday at The Gallery, is something that has been running since April 2019. Prior to that it sounded like there really wasn’t much of a Leather or kink community in Glasgow.  Sure, there are definitely kinky men anywhere, and Scotland is no exception looking at Recon.  

Scottish men would head to Manchester, London or Berlin to get their fix. There certainly was MSC Scotland after digging around on the net to find them – sadly a group that is no more. A group of men are resurrecting something in Scotland, and such a nice group of men! It’s refreshing to see the formation of something rather than the decline. 

I was sad leaving The Gallery Sunday night to make my way back to Edinburgh, to then head back to London.  I wish I could have stayed longer because I felt like the right space for me.

This fed my soul.  Thank you Glasgow!

The next Glasgow Leathermen Social is Sunday August 18th, 2019 at the time of writing this blog entry.